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A week and a half ago, our entire world flipped upside down when I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Breast cancer, just three days after our sweet baby boy turned one. I say “our world” because this is not just my journey, not just my battle. This diagnosis weighs heavy on so many people in my life. I am grateful to be fighting this with a huge team of supporters. In efforts to keep everyone up to date, pass the time, and put my energy into something besides the negatives of this situation; I have decided to start writing about the process.
So what do we know so far?
A. Cancer Sucks. (Fact) And this is BS.
B. Can we reiterate ((a))?
I never in a million years expected to hear the words “ you have breast cancer”. And by never I mean NEVER!!
6 weeks after Raylan was born, my biggest complaint was the struggle with breastfeeding. At my postpartum checkup I brought a lump, in my left breast, to my OB’s attention. But I am young. I have no family history of Breast Cancer. I just had a baby so my hormones and body are doing CRAZY things. Not to mention, I had just stopped breast feeding. So of course it was brushed under the rug with the diagnosis of a clogged milk duct. Makes sense right?
Fast forward 11 months where I return to the doctor for the same lump, plus a new one. It became painful, as if someone were stabbing me with an ice pick. So I thought worst case scenario I’d have to have them surgically removed. My mind , not one single time, even considered that the lumps would be malignant. Fast forward two days after having a double biopsy to the phone call that would change my life forever.
The words “are you ready” literally came out of the doctors mouth on the other end of the phone. Am I ready?? Ready for what?!
“I’m sorry to tell you this. Because you’re so young and have a new little one....” it felt like this conversation was going on forever and she hadn’t even said the words yet. “It is breast cancer.”
Crickets.
I was in complete shock. I had no words. No questions. And absolutely no control of the emotion that took over my body. I’m pretty sure the only words I could find were “ok thank you” before I hung up the phone.
Thank you?! What the H was I thanking her for? Bless her heart. She and her team at Norton’s Breast Center were absolutely amazing. But shouldn’t I have had questions instead of thanking her? Shouldn’t I have asked if she was sure, instead of thanking her?? Shouldn’t I have said, what the actual F, instead of thanking her?! Nope.. thank you Mam for making the phone call that flipped my world upside down, that’ll be all. Buhbye.
One never thinks how they would respond if given that news.. but had I of envisioned it... I don’t think it would have played out that way.
After that one phone call. Those few words... things started moving so fast that there was zero time to process the news. By the end of that day, word had traveled to my entire family and circle of friends. I had visitors, phone calls, texts and emails from the most amazing squad of supporters I could ever ask for.
I had already been in contact with a Nurse Navigator who scheduled me 3 appointments in a day. And spent an hour on the phone with me explaining further, the questions I should have asked earlier.
Stage two, invasive ductal breast cancer. When do you have time to think about the fact that you were diagnosed with a life threatening disease when you can’t even catch a breath? 4 am. That’s when. 4 am is when it hits you in the face that three days ago your baby turned one. You celebrated with friends and family. Were on the cuff of expanding your family and now... now your life looks different than you had planed.
I’ll never forget the overwhelming feeling of helplessness, and fear that came over me that night. None of which was for myself. The thought of my sweet husband being burdened by this , and my baby boy who needs me and depends on me. My family who was found distraught and heartbroken by the news. And my friends who were in disbelief. I felt a ton of guilt for bringing this horrible situation into our lives. Mix that with fear and you have one hot mess.
The next week was a blur. The only word I could use to describe the idea of me having, what then I could only call “the C word” ... was “dumb”. It was just dumb!!! So stinking dumb!!! It made no sense. Who knew that I would be the 1 in 8 women to get breast cancer?! Who knew 1-8 women Got breast cancer?! Not me!! I thought back to so many sweet reassuring lectures and words of encouragement that I received from the doctors and nurses about how many people walk into their office and Don’t have breast cancer. How I shouldn’t worry like I typically do because it was probably nothing, given my age and lack of family history. Words that were supposed to have meaning to my scenario. Because I was supposed to be one of those women who didn’t have anything to worry about!
My emotions came and went in waves. I was okay one minute as if nothing had happened, and within seconds for no reason whatsoever, I’d lose my mind and become hysterical. I went through and am still going through, all of the stages of grief, over and over again throughout the day.
I’ll never forget walking into the oncologists office. My third visit to the hospital in two days, and seeing this precious, strong, older woman with a scarf tied around her head to hide her hair loss..... and thinking to myself.... there’s no way I can be strong like her.
After seeing a surgeon, radiation oncologist and medical oncologist, that mindset didn’t change. And I was given the news that in my mind I had set up prior to my appointments as worse case scenario.
Surgery was not an upfront option and chemo would have to take place first. And only after that will it be determined if I could save my breast or have to face a mastectomy as well.
In such a short period of time, I was faced with life altering decisions that had to be made in an even shorter amount of time. Fertility? Second opinions? MRI’s, CT scans, Bone Density scans, doctor after doctor after doctor. Decisions that I am still making before I start a treatment that will feed my body with poison.
As I write this, I am 11 days into my diagnosis and it feels as though it has already been a year. On day 10, the month turned to October. Breast cancer awareness month. It seems like everywhere I look, there is a pink ribbon and women standing up for the fight that they went through or are going through. I wasn’t ready for it to be in my face. And I wanted nothing to do with this new group that I was forced in to . But I am taking this month dedicated to pink as a sign and embracing it. Embracing the new community of women and men that I now belong to. And I’m joining their fight with my own battle. Because I was the “one” of 1 in 8 woman who are diagnosed with Breast Cancer.
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