First Surgery ; Check

I’ll never forget my Uncle Tommy saying “port is an acquired taste” as I sipped what could have possibly been tar for all I know. So when the hospital called me at 4:30pm Wednesday night to schedule my port placement surgery on the following day, I could only hope that I would show up to the hospital and they would hand me a tiny little glass of deep red wine. Unfortunately, the only cocktail on the menu that day was a nice IV drip of memory wiping medicine. “Give it to me once, than give it to me again, Nurse ! Put it on my tab.” 

I went in Thursday morning incredibly anxious. I knew the surgery would be happening before the 23rd because that is my chemo therapy start date. But I also thought I’d have more than 15 hours to prepare myself for going under the knife. This is where I insert advice from a wise friend of mine; “I think you better realize quickly that the best mental prep is being prepared for anything and everything at any given time. Just the way it’s going to be for awhile.”  And it’s SO true. This experience has thrown things at me left and right and given me no time to duck. In some ways it has been a positive thing because I don’t have time to settle into my thoughts and get wrapped up in depression over what my life has become.  In other ways it is a downfall because when big things, like surgery get scheduled, it is a big dose of reality that you can’t run and hide from.  

While my surgery was scheduled for 2:30, I didn’t actually get taken back till about 4. So I sat in this lovey gown that I can only assume wasn’t straight off the runway at NY Fashion Week, tangled up in my nerves about how surgery was going to go. Was I going to feel it? What if I woke up during surgery?? What if they didn’t know I woke up and they kept going? What if I have a reaction to the anesthesia and don’t wake up at all!?  Bartender! I’ll take that second shot of happy memory wiping medication now!! Its incredible what one little syringe of liquid gold can do for a persons nerves!

 Before I knew it , I was out of surgery and found myself in the recovery room with a hand full of tissues and tears rolling down my face. I could hear the nurse outside of my recovery room tell my mom and grandmother that I’m a little “teary”. If that wasn’t the understatement of the year. I was a WRECK. I was realizing that all of this was really happening. I really do have the big “C”.  I was taking steps to start Chemotherapy. It wasn’t something we were just talking about anymore. It was really happening. And this was the first big step towards treating this disease.  For the most part , I’ve held myself together. I’ve stayed positive and very rarely do I let others see me in my dark moments. But damn those drugs, and my inability to keep myself together!!  

Emotional side effects aside, surgery went great. They had a little trouble getting the port to thread into my vein by my collarbone , which is probably why I feel like my shoulder has been dislocated.  But they were able to make it work, as well as take some more tissue samples of the tumors for further studies.  I am left with a pretty little scar and some new unseen hardware that will hopefully put my days of blown veins, behind me. 

As much as I want to stand still and forget that all of this is happening, we are moving forward faster than Secretariat at the Kentucky Derby. So for now I’ll continue to run my race and accept my beautiful blanket of red roses when I cross the finish line.