Another Candle

Women often struggle with the idea of getting older. As if it lessens their value as a person the higher the number is.  We lie about our age as if we are ashamed. ((I’ve been 29 for years)) It is considered rude to ask how old we are and we get offended at the thought that one would even consider jumping into the curiosity pool about how many years we have been on this earth. I was totally one of these women. When I hit the big 3-0 I felt like I was headed for a quarter life crisis. I started noticing more gray hair, that I now regret complaining about ... because I’m bald. Over night there were more wrinkles on my face than a shar pei puppy and I got tired just thinking about going out on the town. In my mind, I believed all of these things to be true facts. Key words being “in my mind”. It was a mental game because that is what society has taught us. The older you are the more frail and boring you are. A woman’s age is unspoken teritory and one should be fearful of what your life will become once you are out of your 20’s. Well not this year, society. This year I celebrate. This year I embrace turning 33. (If we are being 100% honest, I did gag a little saying the number. It’s a work in progress.)  I will no longer dread a numeric increase of birthday candles on my cake. Even if I have a lack of oxygen to blow them out. I will be joyful at the fact that I am on this earth, alive and able to turn another year older.

One often wonders how many more birthdays they will be around to celebrate. We look at genetics and how old family members have lived to be. We take into consideration our lifestyle and if we are adventurous or like to play it safe. Athletic and in good shape or a straight up couch potato hooked on Big Macs and soda. But we also keep in mind that crap happens and no one is promised a certain amount of time. Assuming that I kick cancers ass this year, I have to deal with the haunting fact that it could reoccur at any time. And maybe the next time I won’t be as lucky. And my birthdays will become limited. Same as every other holiday. Yes.. I referenced my birthday as a holiday.

This year I don’t want to celebrate my birthday because it’s an excuse to go out and pretend like I’m young again or to get target gift cards, although that’s still a great touch. But now I want to celebrate my birthday for what birthdays are intended for. A celebration of life. A celebration that you made it another year, you’ve got days ahead of you to look forward to and days behind you that made you the person you are today.   After being diagnosed with cancer, especially at 32, that is something to celebrate!!  I live to fight another day. Hopefully another 30+ years.

Tomorrow I will be putting another candle on my cake. And while life has been rocky lately and nothing seems to be going our way, I’m thankful every morning the sun rises and I wake up to see it. So this year the best birthday gift I could ask for, and have received, is time. Time to celebrate life. Day after day after day. I will celebrate every day and give glory to God for allowing me to walk this earth another day. 33 never looked so good.

Now that the life lesson that “the cancer” has taught me is finished, let me hit you with an update.

{HIP HIP HOORAY Final Taxol Day!! Moments before this picture I was passed out and drooling with a lovely little benedryl nap. Moments before that nap I was having a complete melt down about my anxiety over the next couple of weeks to come. Thank God for this amazing woman, her faith and her words of encouragement. God has truly blessed me with an amazing team at Norton’s Cancer Center. I don’t know where i would be without them and their support}

Updates: I have officially been unblinded from the trial study I was receiving prior to hospitalization. The results are in, and you ARE the father. Wait. No. This isn’t Murrary. But the results were positive and I was in fact receiving the drug and not the placebo.  While I am no longer getting the medication because the side effects were too severe to continue, I am still technically on the trial so that said side effects can be documented for future recipients of this drug. (You’re welcome) This means Joey (the research nurse that I ugly cried about never seeing anymore) is still all up in my business. And for that I am so glad!!

My new doctor examined me a couple of weeks ago where he measured the largest tumor. According to his precise measurements using his hand, it is approximately under 5cm! This is amazing considering it was 11cm when I started treatment. And let’s throw in the fact that I haven’t even started the atomic bomb of chemotherapy yet.  We have our fingers crossed for a full response!!

I have officially finished the first round of my chemotherapy. 14 weeks, 12 treatments. I am currently on a two week break that I am using to prepare myself mentally for the next round. Starting February 5th I will be receiving A/C chemotherapy. {Doxorubicin((Adriamycin)) and Cyclophosphamide((Cytoxan))} Also known as the red devil.  I will have 4 treatments over the course of 8 weeks. If all goes according to plan my treatments will be completed on March 19th! 

Fingers crossed and prayers raised that when 34 rolls around, I will be cancer free and this blog will have turned into fun outfits and where to buy them or how to decorate a cupcake! For now, we will ride this cancer train all the way to its destination which will hopefully be me, on a beach with a fruity drink in my hand.