One year living with the C word.

* *{{Insert notes from the editor}} I was so busy living my life and getting over my cancer diagnosis that I didn’t even finish writing this post or bother publishing it. I was getting back to normal and living my best life. This post was drafted September 2019 and wasn’t given a second thought. Till today. But I thought it was important to publish the unfinished article to continue to share how my journey has been. **

Hey there, strangers! As you could probably tell from my absence, I’ve been trying to live life without the dark cloud of cancer hovering over. While I’m still actively receiving chemotherapy, I am at the hospital less... have gotten rid of two of my doctors... finished radiation and feel well enough to live normal-ish. However; three days ago happen to be the one year mark of my diagnoses. So I thought I would drop back in and give a little update. 

It’s hard to believe one year has passed. 365 days of knowing my life will be different forever. For all the days of my life. I found myself more emotional than I expected to be. I laid in bed and cried for longer than I’d like to admit. Basically sulking in the memory of that day. The memory of this last year and all of the bad it has brought. But then, in the middle of one of my hyperventilating cries I found myself being so grateful. It was as if someone had flipped a switch and said, ok. Times up for feeling pity. Now it’s time to face the positive of this day.  I had his overwhelming since of gratitude for making it through the year. Emotionally and physically. I felt a since of pride for the fight that I’ve put up and strength for enduring a hell of a battle and coming out on the other side. My gratitude for my team of supporters could have been the strongest feeling I felt that night. I thought back to everyone who had a hand in helping me and encouraging me to keep going. Because without them I wouldn’t have been able to convince myself to keep going. Strangers who I had never met before, hugging me and telling me that they will pray for me. The sweet girl in the Zaxbys drive through who asks me how I’m feeling every time I pull up to the window, and sneaks in a cookie with my order just to make me feel a little better. The team of women who I have met along the way who are facing the same battle, but somehow find room in their struggles, to help me with mine. My family. My friends. My doctors and nurses.... I’m so grateful to each and every one of you. This fight was personal,  but I  most definitely did not fight it alone. And in that moment of clarity while I was crying more tears than Niagara Falls has water, I became calm. The hyperventilating stopped. The whimpering and moaning was silenced and tears of joy ran down my face. I realized in that moment that while this fight was going to last throughout my existence, that I would survive it.  

Over the last couple of months I have struggled with finding my way back to my normal day to day. Cancer consumed my existence. I lost my identity and found that my diagnosis became my new identity. When I had weeks go by with nothing cancer related besides my haircut and my chemo pills, I started to live again. Raylan and I did something almost every day. I started going to girls nights every week with my friends. I planed a weekend get away. I started to live. I started to take back what cancer had taken away from me. And that’s probably why I’ve not been active in keeping you all updated. 

So. For those of you who need to hear it... I’m good. And on days that I’m not quite okay, I’m still good. Because I’m here. A year later I am here. I am living my life. I am alive. And I am in remission! There is no evidence of disease in my body and I’ll continue to pray every day that it stays that way. 

While I am starting to get back to myself I can’t lie and say it’s been easy. I’ve had my moments where I wanted to quit this chemo. Which in my opinion is much harder (in different ways) than the last chemo I was on.