I Pray on Christmas

                  I pray on Christmas

That the Lord will see me through

I pray on Christmas

He'll show me what to do

I pray on Christmas

He'll help me understand

And I pray on Christmas

He'll take me by the hand

I pray on Christmas

That the sick will soon be strong

I pray on Christmas

The Lord will hear my song

I pray on Christmas

That God will lead the way

And I pray on Christmas

    He'll get me through another day

 This used to be a song that I listened to in the car during Christmas, singing the words without much thought. Now, as I listen to the smooth voice of Harry Conick Jr.,  the lyrics pull my heart strings a little differently. 2020 has been a rough year for everyone. And honestly, come January first 2021, we probably won’t be welcoming much change as we ring in the new year. The holiday season is something we can at least celebrate and look forward to. Gather with loved ones and feel comforted in the warmth of our traditions. But even that looks different this year. This year I have faced many ups and downs with my health. I hold my breath every three months as I lay in machine after machine getting test after test to make sure my body is free of any active cancer. I suffer daily from symptoms that are hard to manage a lot of the time. But I try to stay mostly positive. Some days that is a harder task than most. Recently during my routine three month scan I was hit with another bomb shell. My third reoccurrence, 4th diagnosis, in just a little over two years. 2020 can suck it y’all.  My November scans came back to show that I have two new tumors on the right side of my brain. They are small enough that the doctors feel positive we can zap them with radiation. And there was good news with the bad news. While no one wants to hear that their cancer has popped up in a new place, just months after it had already done so, the good news is my full body scan came back clean of any cancer as well as my bone scan! That’s a huge bright side. Not to mention the previous tumor that was being treated with radiation back in August has had a positive response to treatment and is almost non-visible at this point. This gives me hope in moving forward with the treatment on the current two tumors. I’m also blessed to have found no cancer in my spinal fluid in my recent lumbar puncture! I put on a brave front. But I am human. I’m scared and sad and all the feelings, just like anyone else would be. I just often times try to look at it differently. For myself, for my family for my friends. It’s pretty safe to say that it takes a lot to change my way of thinking when it comes to this disease. I’m not saying I don’t have my dark moments. Because trust that I most definitely do. But I don’t dwell in those moments or those negative feelings. And I don’t let them consume me. I’m a firm believer that healing your mind is a big part of healing your body. I say all this to lead into my next bit of update. 🎵Dunn Dunn Dunn🎵 I have fully handed over my trust, and my life to my team of doctors. There is little to no doubt in my mind when it comes to their    Knowledge or care for my life. Recently, after having an appointment with one of my doctors I was given information that was very opposite of the information I had received when being given the diagnosis of this most recent reoccurrence. I left the appointment feeling defeated. As though the wind had been knocked out of me. I was told I had 5 brain tumors. Not 2. Along with some dark and grim facts about my treatment going forward in my cancer journey that didn’t look good for my quantity or quality of life. Let me emphasize that I never expect or desire a doctor to sugarcoat the truth at the sake of sparing my feelings. But there is a way to deliever life altering information that doesn’t make you feel like you are drowning in defeat and despair. A lot of this news came as a shock as I had just heard two days prior that other doctors were still very optimistic in this path of mine and not to mention that I had 3 less tumors. As I walked to my car, and the tears rolled down my face, I felt nothing more than a giant empty hole where all of my Hope used to be. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I couldn’t think clearly. I couldn’t function. Words were not coming out of my mouth the way I needed them to, to explain to my loved ones what was happening. I couldn’t drive because I was too distraught. I sat in the parking lot and cried for what seemed like an eternity. My mind was no longer in the place it needed to be in to fight this fight. I’m going to spare you the details of the rest of the day, because really it was terribly depressing. But I have the best family and friends who held my hand through it. But what I’m not going to do is ignore this opportunity to insert this little PSA that my dear friend brought to my attention. Someone going into that doctors appointment, in a lesser state of mind then myself, might not have survived or wanted to survive any longer. My mental state was so bad when I left the hospital that I was sinking in quicksand. Now imagine if I was already neck deep entering that appointment. Covid puts so many restrictions on us and one of those restrictions that I face personally is not being allowed the opportunity to always have someone with me in my appointments.  Someone who is struggling with their mental health is not in a position to have that shoulder to lean on during appointments that bring bad news. And that to me, is so scary. It is so important for everyone... EVERYONE, to speak kindly to one another. You truly do not know what one is going through. I went to Cabellas after my appointment because I couldn’t go home. And I couldn’t drive. And I couldn’t sit in my car anymore. I needed to walk around and clear my mind. I attempted to tell my family what had happened in the doctor over the phone as I lost control of my emotions again. People looked at me like I was crazy. Walking by me like I should be comited. Until this sweet soul of an older man in his overalls and bandanna face mask put his hand on my shoulder and with the sweetest “Ma’m” asked if I was ok and needed anything. Just his kindness was so heart warming that I was able to dry my tears... for at least 5 minutes. (Haha).  Later I ran into that man again and without hesitation, or our Governors approval, him and his even sweeter father both leaned in for a hug, wished me a Merry Christmas and said they would be praying for me. They didn’t know why I was crying. But they knew I needed kindness. And they were willing to give it to me in a time where people shy away. I encourage everyone reading this to be more like those sweet men. I wasn’t at a point where I would have taken measures into my own hands by any means. But it wouldn’t have taken much for someone leaving that hospital to be. Kindness, even 10 heartfelt seconds of it, can change everything. Give me a second and let me climb down off my high horse. After getting almost no sleep, I stumbled to the kitchen, to put on the strongest pot of coffee I could make. While doing so I was catching up on my voicemails where I heard my doctors voice, telling me that he read the summary of the report wrong and after looking at the scans to plan my treatment he noticed he was in fact wrong and I did only have 2 tumors. Not 5. So... he had an appointment without even looking at my scans. He read only the summary of my report. Told me I had three more tumors than I did, and casually told me to have a good weekend. After this information I lost all confidence in the care I was receiving from him. We have taken the steps that needed to be taken and I do have a new doctor. I also sought out a second opinion from an amazing doctor who informed me the doom and gloom information I received was way off base as well. I received radiation today, and will have a follow up scan in about a month to check the progress of the tumors. I still have confidence in my team despite the one bad apple. But it has been a difficult few weeks. Emotionally I’m drained. Hopefully with Christmas around the corner and the magic in my little ones eyes, I will be able to bounce back and get a little magic back myself. Until then I’ll continue to pray on Christmas that He’ll get me through another day.