Christmas With Cancer

Christmas. It’s the most magical time of the year. The lights and decorations that twinkle through the night. The cold brisk air that makes you want to bundle up with a cup of hot cocoa. Time spent with friends and family making memories that you will carry with you for a lifetime. Then there’s Christmas with cancer. And by golly as much as you want it to be holly and jolly, it’s hard to embrace the holidays in the same way as you did prior to diagnosis. 

With Christmas right around the corner, it’s safe to say that the warm tingly feelings that the holiday spirit typically bring have been few and far between. This holiday season comes with baggage too big for Santa’s sleigh.  In three months, my entire world has changed. I’ve learned who my truest friends are. I’ve seen and felt support from people I would least expect it from and sadly the opposite is true as well in the fact that there are some you expect to be present during this time and just aren’t. Things that were once important to me no longer are and things that I didn’t think twice about now hold more value than Rudolphs nose on a foggy night. Anyone who has been through a life changing event such as this one can say the same. It’s a classic tale told many different ways, always with the same ending. I’m not saying I’m a Scrooge (although some might say differently. Especially lately with the roid rage) but a Christmas Carol is a great example. You think something is important such as wealth or popularity. You get a slap in the face of reality whether it be three spirits or a life threatening illness, and then when you wake up you realize what truly matters.  All of a sudden you have a different outlook on life and are delivering a Christmas ham to Tiny Tim.  This year, I can truly say that the ghosts of Christmas past, present and Christmas’s yet to come have made their appearance in my life. With visions of sugar plums being replaced with nausea, weakness and exhaustion, this Christmas season has brought many emotional and physical ups and downs. 

Christmas Past:  I started thinking about past holidays where I spent more time in the car than with family, ripping and running from house to house just for the sake of pleasing everyone. Or the pages upon pages of my Christmas wish list of gifts that I felt I had to have that ultimately didn’t mean anything. Traditions that I cherished that slowly fade the older I get or with blending families. But also the good memories. The excitement of Christmas that hits right around thanksgiving. New traditions that develop with new babies and new family. Decorating the Christmas tree. Baking cookies. Hallmark movie marathons that just warm your heart and make you feel like Christmas is in the air.  Being a new-ish mom, Christmas has taken on a whole new meaning. I’ve only gotten to experience one Christmas with my son and let me tell you, having children during the holidays makes it that much more magical. Even if he was only three months old at the time and didn’t understand anything that was happening. There are so many thoughts about the past holidays that are joyful and bring emotions out that I can’t even describe. A feeling of happiness but then there is this lingering dark rain cloud hovering. Because you can’t help but wonder if any of those memories will be tarnished by the current situation. 

Christmas present: I started to wonder what this holiday season would bring. Would I want to skip it all together, or would I be more inclined to make it the best Christmas ever? Decorating every empty spot in my home with red and green.  Squeezing in as many Christmas-y things as I possibly can in 25 days. But I also had to take into consideration that my energy level isn’t what it used to be. By 6pm I’m sick and in bed for the night. But again, when you have children everything is different. What I want and what I feel up to doing doesn’t matter because I have to be a mom first. And it’s my responsibility to make christmas magical for Raylan. 

Which brings me to Christmas Future. Time isn’t promised. No one is guaranteed another Christmas. Getting hit with “the big c” this year, I obviously had thoughts that this could be my last Christmas. (It won’t be, because I’m a fighter and won’t allow it.) But I would be fooling everyone if I said those thoughts didn’t pop up left and right with everything that I do. Could this be the last? Who knows!? Even if I wasn’t sick, the answer to that is always going to be a mystery. And if my Christmas’s are limited then haul out the holly and let’s light this Christmas up! 

With past, present and future thoughts of the holidays, it became my intention to fake it till I make it. I didn’t care if I was too sick to leave the house, or too tired to wrap a present. Christmas was in full effect and I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way. 

The deeper into treatment that I get, the harder it is. I have more bad days than good days now and am almost always sick. Knowing this, I prepared as much as I could on the days that I felt “good”. I decorated the tree on Thanksgiving day before the festivities began. All of our shopping was done in two days and mostly online. Amazon is seriously amazing and the UPS delivery person and I have become great friends.  I wrapped them all while Raylan napped and while I still carried a fair amount of energy in the mornings. We took Raylan to see Santa two days after I was discharged from a 3 day stay at the hospital. Did I feel up to it? Not even a little. But that’s the perfect example of what I meant when I said I am a mom first and a patient second. 

This time last year I spent a great amount of time stalking a local Santa. I’m not crazy. I swear. You all... he is seriously the best Santa ever. And I was bound and determined to find a date with his schedule that I could take Raylan to see him. I knew then that I wanted him to be the Santa Raylan saw every year. Not only because he’s the best but because I wanted Raylan to associate one specific person with Santa. To believe. To not be afraid and cry. And to keep the spirit alive in him as long as I can. Needless to say, I wasn’t going to let a little hospital stay get in the way of Raylan seeing Santa Walt this year. Luckily, Raylans Aunt Erin works at the place Santa Walt was going to have an appearance. Thanks to her and her amazing work family, we were able to get in and visit with Santa before the public was allowed in. This was so incredibly helpful in avoiding germs that a chemo patient fresh out of a hospital bed should avoid. And look how precious.... I mean.. how was I going to miss out on this moment?

We took Raylan to breakfast with the Grinch. I celebrated with my friends, building gingerbread houses, and attending lights under Louisville. I woke up every single morning and turned on the Christmas tree lights before Raylan came downstairs. Had Christmas pictures taken and mailed out family Christmas cards.   I will ensure that we see everyone at some point over the holiday weekend, and not only see them, but spend quality time with them. We will lay cookies and milk out and Christmas morning I will be in awe over Raylans expression when he comes downstairs to see what Santa brought him.  

At this point everyone reading is saying... “good for you, how is that any different than what everyone else does during the holidays?” The simple answer is, it’s not any different at all. And that is the point. Cancer during the holidays is an emotional hardship. I’m terrified of what my future holds and with that comes a great weight to carry of making the days I know I have, perfect.  And right now, normal is perfect. Waking up every morning and fighting through the sickness that I feel, to have a normal day, is perfect. Ensuring Raylan doesn’t miss out on normal holiday traditions, is perfect. Normal is what I want to remember this time next year when I look back and think about this Christmas. Because I don’t want to remember it as the Christmas I had cancer. I want to remember it as any other year, just as magical as the year before and the years to come. You’re a mean one cancer,  but I won’t allow you to steal the memories I can make during this special time of year. 

Merry Christmas from my family to yours. And may you all be blessed with surrounding yourself with loved ones this holiday season.  And creating memories that will be cherished for a lifetime.